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We regret that our editor has fallen ill after reading the Thursday edition of the Scottish Sun. It appears that some pictures on page 3 (10 in all), affected his heart and he had to lie down immediately. His secretary Maxie Foxx, 24 (34-32-34), said, and we quote, that our dear editor kept muttering "phwoar, phwoar" as he tried to decide who would win "Breasts of the Year", a competition being run in tandem with the English edition. He then fainted with excitement.
Latest: Ms Foxx has successfully revived our editor by applying mouth to ****** (expletives deleted) rescuscitation and our dear boss is now erect and sitting up. He continues to moan intermittently but felt better when Marcus Seely removed the tabloid out of sight.
Footnote: This reporter is extremely pissed off after finding out that his 18 year old son had pencilled in Aaliyah in first place. Personally he preferred Naomi (Oh God, let me die now.)
Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters-Letters
FROM: Mrs Hazel McTaggart
Auchtermuchtie
Sur,
I am extremely concerned that, whenever a Scotsman is in the public eye, aspersions must be made to drink. Last year it was the Late Robin Cook and now it is Charles Kennedy. Ours is the only country in the World associated with the finest dram a man can buy. Name any other. We Scots are proud of our heritage and if we did not encourage the partaking of the Malt, how would we ever sell it!
It should/must be accepted that without our men to taste our goods, there would be an economic downturn in our fair country of North Britain. There is no land anywhere that does not know that Scotch comes from Scotland. Who can compare? Charlie Kennedy is living up to a proud heritage and all "heast tae his breest".
Don't even listen to "Oor Mingus"--he has other fish to fry. I end with the famous song:
"Just a wee Doch and Doris, just a wee......"
(This letter has been shortened-Ed.)
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Solly's Scrapyard
134 Main Road Rossettenville Johannesburg.
Tel: 8145356
FOR SALE:
1969 Boeing 727 w Pratt & Whitney engines. Ex-Equatorial Guinea
Complete with gun racks
Speak to Mark. Bargain.
1994 Boeing 757 w GE engines. Ex-Air Zimbabwe
No fuel in tanks. Good condition.
Speak to Freddie.
1951 Daimler Hearse--bald tyres.
Demonstration coffin, flower rails. Ex-King Farouk.
Take away for $250.
Speak to Ahmed.
ALWAYS LARGE LOTS ON SALE
Speak to Mike, Jimmy or Sakkie.
__________________________________________________________________
SITUATIONS VACANT:
Wanted: New leader for Scottish-biased Political Party. Should be hard-working and of sober disposition. Preferably no small children. Upper class Oban accent would be an advantage. Good pay.
Phone Ming at Ming's Fisheries 01324-656713
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr Shitatawe,
How incredibly kind of you and President and Mrs Mugabe to single us out for your New Year's holiday. The Prime Minister (at present snorkelling with Mrs Omar) and Mrs Blair were flattered beyond belief (Mrs Blair says Hi to Dolly), and would be delighted to show you around the souks and dirty little alleyways littered with camel dung and what have you. However, on advice from Mr Prescott and Hazel Mears ---and bearing in mind that Mr Omar has no room at the Inn (Ha, Ha, Ha--A little Christmas flavour, Yes?), I regret that the closest rooms are at the Pharaoh Egypt Hotel in Cairo. We are sure that you would not like to be so far away from the Red Sea for your holiday.
Mrs Blair assures me that you will be pencilled in for 2009 and we look forward to having you with us at that time.Mr Prescott is not too keen but we shall nevertheless persuade him to be optimistic with time.
I am certain HRH Prince Charles concurs with us in sending our best wishes. In fact he specifically mentioned you when one of his maize plants was dying.
Yours respectfully,
Peter Pertwee
Private Secretary
Dear Mr Blair,
I am writing to you on behalf of our beloved Premier, The Most Exalted Comrade Robert Mugabe (President of Zimbabwe, Sultan of Harare, Awarded the Order of the Desert Aloe of Western Sahara, The Silver Cloud of the Moroccan Night, The Order of The Oily Fires of Libya etc, etc), who would dearly like to join you in Sharm -El-Sheik for the New Year.
Our beloved Comrade would like you to know that, although he castigates you in public, he secretly admires your lifestyle and your power over the Egyptian hotel owners. As he has nowhere to go over New Year and as Mrs Dolly Mugabe would like to shop with Ms Cherie in Mr Omar's souk, he earnestly requests that you invite his entourage to visit with you at New Year. He promises to sing Auld Lang Syne with you in Mr Omar's dining room but will keep a low profile if you wish (He is prepared to stay in Taba if Mr Omar has a hotel there). Our beloved President will not even request a 500 SE for his trips to the beach--an E320 will suffice.
Comrade Robert is a personal friend of Prince Charles but, alas, our Dear President is now getting elderly and would not be able to keep up with the Sandringham shoot. In fact, harming any animal is now anathema to him. He would much prefer to view dolphins with you in the Red Sea.
Please E-mail me at Jshitatawe@yahoo.com if you are able to accomodate our beloved President over New Year. Mrs Dolly Mugabe sends her best regards and says that Mr Omar is a very good-looking man.
Sincere best wishes to the Blair Family over the Festive Season.
J.L. Shitatawe
Personal Secretary to H.M. Mugabe.
The Junk Shop is my own "Private Eye". It will contain drivel of the highest order, trivia second to none, erotica from a new angle (BE WARNED) and useless junk that no sane person would consider reading. I have four serious blogs running (see links from time to time), but I felt it was time to go a little crazy and hatch out some stories bearing my own (and no-one else's), humour. Like Baldrick, I have a cunning plot; like David Beckham, I have posh panache; like John Prescott, I have drinker's jowls, and, like Mel Brookes, I am a cheeky little sod!
I have little truck with heavy, steamy erotica, but put in a bit now and then to stay in tune with the gradual degradation of today's youth. After all, who's going to read me if a girl doesn't remove her panties now and again. Any threat of adult content will be advertised in BOLD LETTERS but that is not the main "thrust"---oops!---of my new newssheet.
Please comment furiously, argue constantly and diss my shitty blog!
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